Tantrums?!

This morning I saw a mother with a toddler in a stroller. It was clear that the little girl wanted out of the stroller and the mother wanted her stay in it. After telling the girl “No” a couple of times, the mother began ignoring the girl. Eventually the girl signaled to her mother that she wanted to play. She remained in the stroller while her mom tickled her.

My parents used the “ignore” method when I threw temper tantrums. I would lie on my stomach and beat my fist and feet into the floor. My parents would just walk over me and go on like nothing was happening. Eventually I calmed down and joined in what was going on. They even did this when company was over.

This method would not have worked with my daughter. She was in your face when she threw a tantrum. Here’s what I did:

1.    I pulled her off the side.

2.   I got down at her eye level.

3.    I acknowledged her feelings with phrases like “I see your upset” or “I hear you are mad.”

4.   Then I told her I couldn’t understand what she was saying and asked her to use her words.

5.    I repeated steps 3 and 4 until she spoke to me (and stopped crying).

Once she spoke to me:

1.    I acknowledged what she said by repeating it back.

2.   Asked her, “Yes or no?” to make sure I got it right.

3.    Then started an age-appropriate conversation (referring to word choice) to make my authority clear.

Nine times out of ten, a kid throws a tantrum to get something that mom or dad has said “no” to having. I know that was the case with me. The monkey wrench when a kid throws a tantrum is if they are physical when they do it. Remember I said I beat my fists and feet into the floor. What if the kid is physical with the parent (or another adult figure)? In this case I recommend containing the kid in their room (with you) or holding them in a way that contains them if you are out in public. Then try the method I did with my daughter from this

point. Hopefully, containing the child will help them to focus and calm down.

One thing I learned with my daughter is she only threw tantrums with her dad and I. When I spoke to her Pre-K teachers about her tantrums, they told me that she had never thrown one is school. Go figure! Kids feel safer sharing their emotions with their parents (or another close adult figure) than anyone else. I have a feeling is it was the same with me. My kindergarten teacher, Ms. Chapin, might have told my parents I was an angel only for them to laugh at her.