Good, bad and Toxic
Relationships come in all shapes and sizes— family, romantic partners, friends, colleagues and even the barista at your favorite coffee place. Relationships also run the gamut of the good, the bad, and the toxic. This raised three questions.
1. How do you know when a relationship is good?
2. How do you differentiate between a bad relationship and a toxic one?
3. How do end a bad relationship vis a toxic one?
To begin you must take stock of all your relationships. Make a list of all the people, and I mean all, you have a relationship with, and next to each name right a G, B, or T. With the good ones, think about why they are good and make a note to tell the person that you appreciate him/her. For the bad ones, think about whether you can talk to the person to salvage the relationship or need to call it quits. And later this article will help you to distance yourself from a toxic relationship (I’ve done it so I know it’s hard but can be done).
“Friendships make life more meaningful and are good for our health. Great friends offer emotional support and make us feel loved and connected. These are critical elements of our mental and social well-being. That’s why it’s so important to choose our friends wisely and treat them well.” — Maggie Wooll, Better Up Don’t forget that family members can be good friends too.
In a bad relationship, we sometimes stay because this is easier than leaving. However, this is not healthy, and you are not thinking of your well-being. “One way to give yourself both comfort and encouragement without deluding or berating yourself is to be more self-compassionate. Self-compassion involves reassuring yourself that you're not a horrible person, that it's understandable to be attached to someone against your better judgment, and that a lot of other people go through this kind of thing, too. Self-compassion also involves caring for and wanting to do what's best for yourself, as a parent would a child—which means not staying in a relationship that's hurting you.” — Juliana Breines, Psychology Today. Once you determine that ending the relationship is what’s best, then create a plan to do so. Enlist support from family and friends, set a deadline date, and make time with the person to sit down and talk. In the moment you may feel bad, but in the long run, you will thank yourself.
Now to the toxic relationships…
“Toxic relationships are another story. In a toxic relationship, you might consistently feel drained or unhappy after spending time with your partner, according to relationship therapist Jor-El Caraballo, which can suggest that some things need to change.” — Healthline Other qualities of a toxic relationship are the person being controlling, jealous, disrespectful and resentful. And you find yourself walking on eggshells, feeling drained and stressed.
What are some strategies to get out of a toxic relationship? First, you must be self-compassionate (see above) and talk to the person about how you feel. If he/she is understanding and wants to work on being better, then you can move forward together with the support of others and maybe even some therapy. If they belittle your feelings and/or berate you, then its’ time to move on alone. At first, it will be hard especially if you have invested emotionally in trying to make the relationship work. Make sure you have a good support system, stick to your guns, create physical distance, know you deserve better and rid him/her from your social media (Insha Rahman, Choosing Therapy). If you live with the person (romantic partner or roommate) be sure you have an exit strategy before you talk to the person. This way after the talk you can leave immediately. I got lucky that is my situation, I ended the toxic relationship (not living together) at the very moment the person embarked on their honeymoon. So, there was no contact for two weeks, making it easy for a clean break and no contact upon return from the honeymoon. This was after years of trying to have a “superficial” relationship that never worked.
All, I can say is this, “Good friendships are great to have. Leaving bad ones or toxic ones is hard to do, but worth it for your mental well-being. And every day I know I am in a better mindset because I booted my toxic relationship to the curb.”