End of life?
I recently asked my mother “Does long term care look for you as being in a nursing home or staying in your home with help?” The answer was to stay in her home. I am grateful that I now know. Having conversations like this can be difficult. Who wants to talk about getting older and end of life?!
The fact is that we need to have these conversations even if it is to tell our kids what we want. My daughter knows I want to be cremated and have my ashes scattered behind the family house in Massachusetts.
Here’s a cautionary tale…A family member generations back had possessions sold to pay off debts before he died. Once dead, the will was read and the grandfather clock he left to his nephew had already been sold. I believe that had this family member discussed what was in his will, my great uncle (his nephew) would have gotten the grandfather clock.
“For those adult children who are providing care to their aging parents, talking about end-of-life issues can be a daunting prospect. The oldest members of our society have lived through a time when death was rarely discussed and planning for the end of life was not an option to be considered. They may never have thought about their own death and may be resistant to attempts to bring up the once-taboo subject.
But we know that having these difficult conversations in advance can lead to better quality of life and less family stress during the last days of life, not to mention decreased futile medical treatment and unwanted intervention. So the value of talking about end-of-life decisions with elderly parents cannot be overstated, even though it may present a challenge to children who take on this task.” — Karen Wyatt, Denver Hospice Hence my asking my mom what she wanted.
Ways to start the conversation…
1. Talk about your own advance directives and/or estate plan.
2. Tell them that you want to make sure you understand what they want so you can carry it out.
3. That you want to ensure less stress on everyone as we age.
4. You want to make sure everyone is on the same page (so involve partners, siblings, and your siblings as necessary)
5. So, you can screw your siblings out of inheritance (Just kidding!).
6. “Another way to open the conversation is to use a prop. This can be a news story, a book about end-of-life issues or even a real life situation that you know about. You can say, “Hey Dad — I heard about Mary Jones’ mother and what they went through – can we talk about how to make sure we avoid that situation?” — Anne Tumlinson, Daughterhood
“Ninety percent of people think it is important to talk about end-of-life wishes with their loved ones, but only 27 percent have done so, according to a 2021 study published in the Journal of Psychosocial Nursing and Mental Health Services.” — AARP
Guess what?! You need to have the conversation with your kids too as I mentioned earlier. If you have multiple kids make sure you’re clear with them all about your estate plan and your advance directives. A friend of mine recently told me that because he got his dad help at the end of his dad’s life, he was written out of his dad’s will and to make up for it, his mother left most to all to him in her will. This is the reason to talk to your kids as to avoid a tit-for-tat situation.
The point is that no one wants to have this conversation, but everyone should. I know I am glad that I had it with my mom and daughter. And you will be glad too.