What's my why?
My daughter and I are having a knock-down-drag-out fight. We are yelling at each other. It becomes clear to me that we need to stop and take physical distance. If we keep going, we would still be in that fight. I ask my daughter to leave and she refuses. I ask again and she refuses again. Now I am crying and pleading with her and she is calling me names and still refusing. I push her out of my bedroom and shut the door. I block it with my body so she can’t get back in. When it is clear she has is no longer by the door, I sink into my bed. After crying for some time, I think “there has to be a better way.”
I ask myself “how did my daughter and I get to the point of pointless arguments?” I spent the next several months figuring out the answers— lack of honesty and integrity. I begin the process of being honest with her about what I am thinking and feeling. I say things like “that behavior is unacceptable in this house”, “I don’t like this dynamic”, “No is no”, “I didn’t ask you to like me, I ask that you respect me since I am the authority in the house.” (Some of these I still say today)
Pretty soon my daughter is telling me what she is thinking and feeling too. And lets me know when she is mad at me. Our relationship gets stronger. At this point, I realized that being honest with my daughter and meaning what I say (integrity) are the key factors.
I asked myself yet another question, “How do you get to this point with your child or children)? And that’s when I have an AHA! Moment. I have been a productivity and time management coach for 8 years now. I have my shit together (pardon my French) most of the time. Meaning that when my daughter and I butt heads, I am not thinking about the 10 million other things that need to get done. My mind is clear and can therefore focus on the situation at hand. This allows me to listen with intent and bring my feelings (heart) into the conversation. My daughter feels heard and understood and I feel that I have successfully set or maintained a boundary and been authoritative.
Think about a kid throwing a tantrum in a store. First, the parent asks the child to stop crying. When that doesn’t work after several pleas, the parent threatens the kid by saying “if you don’t stop crying, I won’t take you ice cream.” or “If you don’t stop crying, we won’t go to the playground.” Eventually, when nothing works, the parent and child leave the store empty-handed. This is a scene all of us have seen and as parents experienced. When the parent and child walked into the store, the parent was thinking about the 10 million other things that had to get done that day. The child sees a toy and asks for it. When the parent says no, the tantrum starts. The parent resorts to pleas and then threats because he/she doesn’t feel like there is time to deal with this in his/her busy schedule. What if the parent stopped and asked the child why he/she wanted the toy? What if the parent gave the child a choice between the toy or the ice cream? What if the parent said that the toys at home needed to be cleaned out first and then they could come back later or tomorrow for the toy? Do you think the kid would be crying? Probably, yes. In fact, in most cases not at all. I did this with my daughter after experiencing an explosive tantrum in a shopping mall and it worked most times to stave off the tears in public. At home was a different story.
This is why I created the 12-step program, Overwhelmed Parents Anonymous. I wanted to give parents a chance to develop a strong relationship with their child or children based on the life skills of time management and productivity and my philosophy of authentic parenting. I want other parents to have what I have — a teenager who talks to me, shares with me, feels understood, feels listened too and feels her privacy is respected. My daughter and I have a mutual trust in each other because of our honesty and integrity. And we feel comfortable calling each other out when we are out of integrity and not being honest.
My wish is that every parent could have what I have.
To this end, I created Overwhelmed Parents Anonymous, a 12-step program to help parents get their shit together, reduce stress and develop strong relationships with their kid(s). Link here to attend the open house on Thursday 10/7 at 7 PM.