Word games
If you didn’t know, I LOVE word games. So, let’s do an anagram…What word can you make from the letters of LISTEN?
Spoiler alert: SILENT
That’s right in order to listen with intent you must one be silent and two, silence your mind. “’ Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply,’ Stephen Covey” — Conversational Leadership
To listen with intent:
1. Focus on the speaker and his/her body language
2. Extract the maximum amount of information from what is being said
3. Do not prejudge what is being said
One key aspect of listening with intent that is often overlooked is keeping an open mind. It is very easy for a person to get set in their ways and put up a wall to what is being said so as to stay in their comfort zone. “However, opening your mind to the possibilities of new opportunities, knowledge, adventure, and even relationships could bring greater fulfillment and happiness to your life.” — Steve Spring, Medium. A few ways to open your mind are to get out of your comfort zone, hear others’ opinions (and react calmly), and ask questions (Steve Spring, Medium)
Now all this being said, it looks easier than it is. The simple way to train yourself to listen with intent is to repeat back what was said. This is known as mirroring or Imago Therapy, a couples counseling modality. “Many couples’ problems are rooted in misunderstood, manipulated, or avoided communications. To correct this, we have created the Imago Dialogue, the core skill of Imago Practice. Using this effective communications technique, you can restructure the way you talk to each other, so that what you say to each other is mirrored back to you, is validated, and empathized with. You can use the Imago Dialogue to tell each other all about your childhoods, to state your frustrations clearly, and to articulate exactly what you need from each other in order to heal.” — Harville & Helen I have to say I have used this technique with my daughter (17) to ensure that she heard what I said. I simply ask her to repeat my words back to me. It gives us both clarity and understanding.
If one of your possible yearly goals/resolutions for 2023 is to deepen your relationships (see last week’s blog post), then use these tips to help. The rewards of building deep relationships go without saying.
(P.S. Make sure for these conversations that your devices are on silent and out of reach to devote your full attention to what is being said.)