Family vs. "Family"

Today I had lunch with a friend. She told me that she had grown up with distant cousins that she called “aunt and uncle.” Recently through a friend she got connected to this couple’s niece. My friend and the niece are both living in Brooklyn, NY. Small world! My daughter has grown up with grandparents who aren’t biologically her grandparents. The wife is like a second mom to me (she was my HS employer); she and her husband became grandparents to my daughter. In the case of my friend and my daughter, they have a surrogate family. It seems in both cases, they wouldn’t change this for the world.

However, sometimes we choose our family. There are a variety of reasons why a person may not be close to their biological family. They don’t respect each other. They live far from them and develop “family” where they live. What is chosen family? “Experts in the field have defined chosen families as “nonbiological kinship bonds, whether legally recognized or not, deliberately chosen for the purpose of mutual support and love.” Basically, these are the people who understand you, lift you up, celebrate you, help you, and love you, even without biological ties. On the flip side, you’re there for them, too.” (Ashley Laderer, CharlieHealth)

I don’t remember how old my daughter was when she finally grasped that Grandma Ellen and Grandpa Hank weren’t biological grandparents (and their children are not an aunt and uncles), but this fact has never mattered. In fact, I have learned that chosen family can be beneficial. “Chosen families offer a myriad of benefits that can significantly enhance our mental health and overall well-being. Unlike biological families, which we are born into, chosen families are formed through mutual affection, respect, and shared experiences. This unique dynamic can provide a profound sense of belonging and acceptance, which is crucial for our mental health.” (Optimum Joy)

After my father died over 30 years ago, I looked not for a replacement dad but someone I could turn to like a dad. I settled on a long-time family friend and colleague of my dad’s Arnie (RIP). It is not only important that we have relationships built on mutual respect (biological or not) but that we have a circle of people to turn to for advice when our family is out of reach. The point is that healthy relationships and by extension, community are important to our mental well-being. So who is/are your chosen family?